Day 2: Potential and Chaos

It's almost 11, I'm tired, I don't want to Blog, but... God said to. So...
Two words can describe what I feel on Saturdays, potential and chaos. I can do lots of things, lots of things need done, and while working towards getting to the important stuff, I take up most Saturdays sorting out the little stuff to prepare for getting to the important stuff.

Today, I was about 50% on remembering to talk to God before doing an activity so that he could direct and prioritize my time. When I listened, important things took priority over lesser activities. When I took charge, little things mounted up and I got frustrated and inefficient.

Also, when I did take time this morning to pray, God brought gratefulness to my heart. I thanked Him for a number of things, but not out of obligation but true gratefulness. Different, than normal.

I thought I've been a free agent on Saturday's, able to do what is best. But I'm finding the reality to be the opposite. I've allowed myself to be led by whim, by self-gratification, by impulse, by circumstance, by a force of distraction, by self-pity, and by crushing potential that places possibilities just out of reach of attainment. That's not freedom in Christ, that's bondage to sin. I've been agreeing with the lie that I have it under control, that my impulse activities are really what's best. No fruit proves otherwise.

2 examples:
1. Picking my nails, a bad habit since I was a kid. I feel it's a distraction to facing life. It's on my grid to pay attention to and I'm catching myself picking my nails all the time. I've been slave to that activity and the underlying yet associated dis-engagement from life when somethings going on that I don't like. I must get rid of the activity and the underlying thinking in order to "keep my feet to the fire" of real life. Always engaged, always present.

2. Cleaning up clutter. A good thing but on the way to my goal, I am so easily distracted to take care of one more thing. I use the guise of "efficiency" to hide the reality, that my impulses are driving me. And the impulse comes from an underlying feeling that I have to measure up by doing.

Exhausted... going to bed, more on this tomorrow.
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