Day 4: Rest & Responsibility

“Because God has made us for Himself, our hearts are restless until they rest in Him.”

-Augustine of Hippo

 I long to be in God's rest. I even climbed under my desk today at work for a moment of silence, of connection with God. Then the phone rang...

My days seem frenetic, my work and my home activities governed by impulse and what comes to mind that I have to act on now or I'll forget... rather than a "sound mind". God has built me for more than this. 
 Luke 21:34 “Be careful, or your hearts will be weighed down with... the anxieties of life, and that day will close on you suddenly like a trap."

Distraction. I want to be guided by God but distractions seem so important. Once again, I'm not actually free like I thought I was. I'm slave to that which isn't solid. To circumstance...
A mind that prioritizes distractions is from a life philosophy that doesn't truly value personal responsibility. When distractions are important, being on time isn't, being selfless isn't, being poised isn't, being prepared isn't.  

I was on both of my big kid's case tonight about accepting the natural consequences of their actions. To Jadon, not getting his homework done means explaining to his teacher the truth that he was warned, yet played instead. Elie had all day to pick up her room to have the opportunity to go to the hospital if Mommy has a baby, and she chose to play. Although Jadon's consequence is minor, Elie's is potentially big (we reserve the right for a "grace pass"). But... they both went to bed feeling the weight of their choices. 

The kid's consequences are minor but if they don't learn now to face the pain of a choice, they'll end up like me, getting forced to face much bigger pain and without the practice on the small stuff. Without really facing and having to stand in the pain, no lesson is learned. A bailout, only heightens the probability that the poor behavior will occur again and the natural consequence with arise again, only this time, with perhaps graver ramifications. 
 

Day 3: Starting my day

I was up throughout the night with the dog. Partly due to the coyote's that he hears and make him nervous, and possibly due to his sense for the spiritual climate, it was a long night. I slept in, and when I woke up, I didn't have time for God. The decisions made were my decisions, what to feed the kids, how to structure the morning. What I got for a result was a frustrated wife, kids that weren't listening, and a feeling that I was working hard to stay "in headship" but not really having any power in doing so.

I had to get the family together and apologize to them, but the rest of the day was still a challenge to put God first. Tomorrow morning, because I'm planning it tonight, will be with God first.

Day 2: Potential and Chaos

It's almost 11, I'm tired, I don't want to Blog, but... God said to. So...
Two words can describe what I feel on Saturdays, potential and chaos. I can do lots of things, lots of things need done, and while working towards getting to the important stuff, I take up most Saturdays sorting out the little stuff to prepare for getting to the important stuff.

Today, I was about 50% on remembering to talk to God before doing an activity so that he could direct and prioritize my time. When I listened, important things took priority over lesser activities. When I took charge, little things mounted up and I got frustrated and inefficient.

Also, when I did take time this morning to pray, God brought gratefulness to my heart. I thanked Him for a number of things, but not out of obligation but true gratefulness. Different, than normal.

I thought I've been a free agent on Saturday's, able to do what is best. But I'm finding the reality to be the opposite. I've allowed myself to be led by whim, by self-gratification, by impulse, by circumstance, by a force of distraction, by self-pity, and by crushing potential that places possibilities just out of reach of attainment. That's not freedom in Christ, that's bondage to sin. I've been agreeing with the lie that I have it under control, that my impulse activities are really what's best. No fruit proves otherwise.

2 examples:
1. Picking my nails, a bad habit since I was a kid. I feel it's a distraction to facing life. It's on my grid to pay attention to and I'm catching myself picking my nails all the time. I've been slave to that activity and the underlying yet associated dis-engagement from life when somethings going on that I don't like. I must get rid of the activity and the underlying thinking in order to "keep my feet to the fire" of real life. Always engaged, always present.

2. Cleaning up clutter. A good thing but on the way to my goal, I am so easily distracted to take care of one more thing. I use the guise of "efficiency" to hide the reality, that my impulses are driving me. And the impulse comes from an underlying feeling that I have to measure up by doing.

Exhausted... going to bed, more on this tomorrow.
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90 Days of Submission

<sup>90 Days of Submission:

A lot of people make new years resolutions at the start of the new year. I do too, but like most others, mine are about stuff I'm going to do more of, or less of, and in the end, I act pretty much the same as I did the year before only with a little more fervor as a legalistic pharisee coupled with an increase in guilt for falling short. I don't want to resolve any more. I'm done with that... 

I feel like God's "fix Bryce" program is like learning the game of golf. Concentrate on keeping my eye on the ball, and I break my wrist on the swing. Concentrate on not breaking my wrist and I forget to follow through on the upswing. Concentrate on following through on the upswing and I forget to keep my eye on the ball.... I end up throwing a lot of golf balls and having to cheat to keep up with the rest of the foursome. Every time I get a good Christian a-ha moment about the golden thing to do that will fix all others, like fast, or read the Bible every morning at 5, or be less selfish, or some other good Christian thing to do, the end result (on repeat) is inevitably more guilt than good. I dismiss the "God's going to start fresh with me" attitude because it's been the 10th starting fresh this month already. I try to work myself up to giving it another go, but my heart's not invested in it. Deep down, I suspect I'll sabotage it at some point before I hit the allusive spiritual mark.

I'm tired of that way of relating to God. I can't keep up. I can't be a spiritual Martha Stewart (or whatever the masculine equivalent is). I don't really want to read another Christian book to hear another way to improve my behavior. I'm not very motivated to read Christian books right now.

Yet, God's awesome and says I'm a "New Creation in Christ". What I've done isn't working so, it's time to do something different. 

Simple: I'm just going to ask God what He wants me to do, then do it. For 90 days.

If he makes sure Lilly's in field's are dressed well, and looks after sparrows, he's got a pretty good point about how much he's on top of what I need. If I, being a wicked human, wouldn't think to give a rock to Josh when he asks for food, how much more will God know what I need?    

Psalm 25: 

My Declaration
1</sup> In you, Lord my God,
    I put my trust.

My Request
⁴ Show me your ways, Lord,
    teach me your paths.
⁵ Guide me in your truth and teach me,
    for you are God my Savior,
    and my hope is in you all day long.

God's Character
⁹ He guides the humble in what is right
    and teaches them his way.
¹² Who, then, are those who fear the Lord?
    He will instruct them in the ways they should choose.^[b]
13 They will spend their days in prosperity,
    and their descendants will inherit the land.
¹⁴ The Lord confides in those who fear him;
    he makes his covenant known to them.